What Do You Do When Your Kid Says, "I Don't Care If I Fail"?
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Hi Sean,
My son is now in his 7th grade of middle school.
He did great all through elementary school, but when sixth grade started, the wheels started to fall off.
He failed multiple classes and ended up doing summer school to repeat them.
We thought that summer school would have been a natural consequence that would have motivated him to do better in seventh grade, but it’s worse this year.
While there are days that he responds to the encouragement and support my husband and I provide, most days he says, “I don’t care if I fail,” and we continue to see missing assignments and failing test grades.
We’ve tried hiring a tutor and sending him to a therapist, but neither fixes the situation.
What can we do next?
Stressed in Seattle
_______________
Dear Stressed in Seattle,
For many students with executive function challenges, middle school is where the issues first surface.
Many parents experience this same situation when schooling expectations change (students go from one teacher to five or more), and students suddenly realize their brains are not wired for the increased cognitive demands.
Your first step is to request an assessment from the school, in writing.
If you are at a public school, this should be done at no cost to you.
The steps for how to request an assessment can be found in my article, “How do I obtain an Independent Education Evaluation (IEE) for my child?”.
Next, request a meeting (in writing, again) with his guidance counselor and principal.
Share the issues you have been experiencing and ask for their input in developing a plan to support your son.
Hopefully, they get onboard and speed up the assessment process to evaluate your son for accommodations that may include a 504 plan or IEP.
Keep in mind that natural consequences are not appropriate for someone who does not have the executive function skills in order to meet the demands of a schooling system that is not designed to meet his needs.
Continue to treat your son with respect and care and seek ways to normalize his learning style so his self-esteem does not decline.
Your son needs to know that you love and support him unconditionally, regardless of how he performs in school.
Instead of working with a tutor, find an executive function coach who will form a strong connection with your son and hold him accountable, every week.
This will reduce the pressure on your parenting and allow you to be the anchor he needs during this challenging time.
Above all, don’t give up.
As a parent, you are your son’s best support and if you continue to maintain a loving connection through this challenging time, all of you will come out on the other side and be better for it.
Hope this helps 🤙🏻
P.S. If you want to work on executive function skills with your students, consider joining hundreds of other educators and parents who have completed my Semester Success Blueprint Course. In less than 2 hours, this comprehensive course will teach you and your student the system I developed to help hundreds of students learn how to manage school effectively and raise their self-awareness and engagement with school.
About Me
Hey! I'm Sean 👋
I'm a former public school special education teacher who realized that executive function skills are more important than knowing when George Washington crossed the Potomac.
Since then, I've made it my mission to teach anyone who will listen about how to develop these key life skills.
In 2020, I founded Executive Function Specialists to ensure all students with ADHD and Autism have access to high-quality online executive function coaching services. We offer online EF coaching and courses to help students and families.
Realizing I could only reach so many people through coaching, in 2021 I started the Executive Function Coaching Academy which trains schools, educators, and individuals to learn the key strategies to improve executive function skills for students.
In 2023, I co-founded of UpSkill Specialists, to provide neurodivergent adults with high-quality executive function coaching services.
When not pursuing my passions through work, I love spending time with my family, getting exercise, and growing my brain through reading. You can connect with me on LinkedIn.
Want me to speak on executive function skills at your event? Learn more about my speaking topics here.