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In this newsletter, I’ll teach you how to support students to make friends.
Research demonstrates that friendships provide emotional support, reduce stress, improve focus, AND improve grades. Whoa.
"...the wealth of evidence supports the notion that friendships are not just a social aspect of education but a critical factor in students' overall academic experience."
Conversely, a lack of friendship is correlated with lower grades and decreased academic engagement:
Students with no friends “receive lower grades and are less academically engaged compared to those with even just one friend,” reported Jaana Juvonen, a psychology professor at UCLA, and her colleagues in a 2019 issue of the journal Educational Psychologist.
While friendships cannot be forced, parents and educators can facilitate conditions that lead to friendships.
These minor tweaks lead to better grades, improved concentration, enhanced mental health, and better student executive functioning.
Lastly, students with a network of friendships are more prepared for the challenges of collaboration in the workplace and the rigors of adult life.
Why Students Struggle To Make Friends
Many students struggle with ADHD, Autism, and other EF challenges struggle to make friends. Here are some reasons why:
There is not a clear step-by-step process for making friends: Friendship is a fine art that requires responsiveness, flexibility, conscientiousness, and many other executive function skills. Because of this, following a rigid, step-by-step process is not the easiest or most effective way to develop meaningful friendships. Educators and parents must proactively create time and opportunities to develop these skills at home and in the classroom.
They struggle to regulate their attention: Forming a friendship requires sharing attention and talk time. For students with ADHD, regulating their attention and focusing on another student can be an underdeveloped skill.
Previous traumatic experiences: Many students with special needs have experienced bullying or been ostracized because of their unique behaviors. For example, some students with a Language disorders or Auditory processing disorder may not understand the rules of conversation or may miss the point of what others say. This makes forming friendships more challenging for students with special needs.
It's not built into their schedules: Many kids don't make the time necessary to build meaningful relationships. Additionally, if opportunities for practicing social skills are not built into the school day and no one provides direct instruction, many students will resort to isolating activities such as video games instead of cultivating friendships.
There are many ways you can help. Start by trying these strategies today:
6 Tips To Help Your Students Make Friends
Tip 1: Teach students to ask for a favor
When a student asks for a small favor from a peer they are saying, "I respect your abilities and would like to learn from you." Asking for a favor allows that person to share their unique expertise.
This also allows the person asked to easily indicate they are positive, friendly, and willing to do something for others. Finally, it also creates the opportunity for reciprocity, where the student asking for help can offer something in return later on.
Tip 2: Don't think of them as friends
Instead of thinking of others as potential friends, which might put pressure on your student, have them think of them as "interest partners."
Does your student like chess? There is probably a chess club available that they can join. By searching for opportunities where those with shared interests gather, friendships will naturally develop.
Tip 3: Build game time in your daily schedule
When students play games after sprints of classwork or study time, they not only relax and process information, but they also learn to work together, collaborate, think creatively, and have fun.
Laughter is the soil in which friendships bloom, and the most productive time for students is often break time, during which they can reflect and socialize.
To encourage game time, invite students to bring their own games to the classroom and build in time during class periods or during the evening at home to play.
To learn more about how to build this into your Study Skills class structure, check out my article on how to build the perfect Study Skills class
Tip 4: Teach them to be the most interested person in the room (not the most interesting)
Many kids think they need to be interesting to make friends. Then, they engage in attention-grabbing behaviors, which often have the reverse effect -- they make people not want to be around them.
Teach students that the easiest way to attract and retain friends is to be interested in others. In action, this looks like:
Asking questions
Learning more about others' interests
Trying new things that others like.
This is a quick and effective way to build positive rapport.
Tip 5: Follow the golden rule of friendship
The Golden Rule of friendship is to assume initiative.
Instead of waiting for others to call you, ask for help, or invite you to something, you can take action yourself.
Whether scheduling a homework session, going for a walk, or meeting to work in the library, always assume the initiative.
By doing this, you will communicate through your actions that you desire friendship, making you attractive to others.
Of course, after a period of time, you want to evaluate if someone is being reciprocal, but in most cases, you will connect with peers who value and respect your initiative.
Tip 6: Find your third "home"
Most students only have two homes -- their actual home and school.
As adults, our two homes become our actual home and work.
People with a thriving network of friends find a "third home." This might be the library, yoga studio, or gym.
Encourage your students to brainstorm a list of places that could be their "third home" and what types of friends they might create by spending time there.
Summary
If you want to surprise your students, start by saying this:
What if I told you there was something you could gain that would cost you nothing and improve your grades, happiness, life span, and more? Would you want to know what it is?
Friendship is the secret sauce to better executive function skills. Unfortunately, many students do not know where to start making friends and avoid the challenge altogether.
If you are a parent wanting to promote your child's developing meaningful friendships, consider working with an executive function coach to establish goals and time in your student's schedule to build new friendships.
🤙🏻
P.S. These are skills that executive function coaches work on with their students. If you want to try working on them with your students, consider joining hundreds of other educators and parents who have completed my Semester Success Blueprint Course. In less than 2 hours, this comprehensive course will teach you and your student the system I developed to help hundreds of students learn how to manage school effectively and raise their self-awareness and engagement with school.
About the author
Sean G. McCormick is a former public school special education teacher who founded Executive Function Specialists to ensure all students with ADHD and Autism have access to high-quality online executive function coaching services.
With this mission in mind, he then founded the Executive Function Coaching Academy which trains schools, educators, and individuals to learn the key approaches to improve executive function skills for students.
He is also the co-founder of UpSkill Specialists, a business with a mission to provide adults with ADHD and Autism Spectrum Disorder, access to high-quality executive function coaching services that can be accessed through Self-Determination funding.