Should you allow your student to fail?
- Sean McCormick
- Aug 29, 2023
- 5 min read
Updated: Jul 30
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Parenting a child with AD/HD comes with its unique set of challenges and questions.
One such pressing question we recently received from a concerned parent brings up an important dilemma:
Should you require your 6th grader to work with an Executive Function coach, even if they're against the idea?
I think my new 6th grader with ADHD needs an EF coach but she DOES NOT WANT ONE! If I try to require her to have one as a condition for doing something she really wants to do, is this a recipe for disaster? In other words, if she's not on board with having a coach does that mean she's not ready for one and that it would not be a good thing for her at this time? Many thanks!
This article aims to explore that question and provide actionable insights.
Continue reading for actionable insights to support your student with AD/HD and help them take executive ownership of their learning process.
Should you force your student to work with an executive function coach?
If your 6th grader is resistant to the idea of working with an Executive Function coach, requiring it as a condition for something she wants may lead to tension or resistance.
For coaching to be effective, the individual often needs to be engaged and willing to participate.
Before requiring anything, try a softer approach:
1. Explain why you think an EF coach would be helpful, emphasizing the benefits she might see in school and daily life.
2. Offer to involve her in the process of selecting a coach, making her feel part of the decision.
3. Consider a trial period, so she can see firsthand how it works and the benefits it brings.
If she's not on board initially, it doesn't necessarily mean she's not ready; it might be more about her perception of needing help.
Sometimes, children need to experience challenges before recognizing the value of external support. Keep the lines of communication open and reassess the situation over time.
In Stephen Covey's "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People" he said:
"We must allow others to fail, even if we can stop them. Only through failure do they have the opportunity to see the reality of their situation."
By allowing her to experience the difficulties, she might be more open to accepting help, like an EF coach, down the line.
What are the benefits of letting your child fail?
Experiencing failure can offer a child invaluable life lessons that contribute to their overall development.
It encourages self-awareness by highlighting areas for improvement, and builds emotional resilience by teaching them how to cope with setbacks. Failure also hones problem-solving skills, as it compels a child to reconsider their approach.
Additionally, setbacks often serve as motivators, igniting a desire to strive for success in future endeavors. Facing failure early on can also impart vital life skills like perseverance and grit, while providing a reality check that cultivates realistic expectations and goals.
Lastly, the experience can foster empathy, as children who've navigated challenges are often more understanding of others in similar situations.
What should you do when you see your child failing at something?
When an engaged parent sees their child struggling or "falling," the first step is to create a supportive and non-judgmental environment for open communication.
Ask your child how they're feeling and what they think is causing their difficulties. Then, collaborate on identifying practical solutions or resources that could help—this could be anything from tutoring, to time-management tools, or even professional services like an EF coach.
Consider setting achievable goals and establishing regular check-ins to discuss progress and make necessary adjustments to the plan.
The aim is to guide your child in taking ownership of their issues and developing the skills to resolve them. It's crucial to balance support with autonomy, allowing them to experience setbacks as part of the learning process while knowing you are there for support.
What happens if you force your child to participate in EF coaching?
Forcing your child to engage in EF coaching when they're not open to it can lead to a counterproductive experience.
They may become resistant, offering one-word answers during coaching sessions, showing little interest, and making it difficult to establish a constructive coaching relationship.
This kind of resistance essentially negates the benefits that coaching aims to offer, as the child may not be fully engaged or willing to implement the strategies suggested by the coach.
As a coach or teacher, if you're facing this challenge, it may be helpful to read our article on working with resistant students. This piece offers insights into why students may be resistant to coaching and provides strategies for easing them into the idea, allowing them to discover the benefits for themselves.
Learn more
Conclusion
The journey towards helping your child achieve academic and personal growth is neither linear nor easy.
Forcing them into coaching may not be the answer, but there are alternative pathways to reach the same goal. If your child is resistant to the idea of coaching, consider our advice and the lessons from Stephen Covey on the value of experiencing failure.
Learning to work with resistance rather than against it is a skill both parents and children can benefit from.
Hope this helps 🤙🏻
P.S. If you want to work on executive function skills with your students, consider joining hundreds of other educators and parents who have completed my Semester Success Blueprint Course. In less than 2 hours, this comprehensive course will teach you and your student the system I developed to help hundreds of students learn how to manage school effectively and raise their self-awareness and engagement with school.
About Me
Hey! I'm Sean 👋
I'm a former public school special education teacher who realized that executive function skills are more important than knowing when George Washington crossed the Potomac.
Since then, I've made it my mission to teach anyone who will listen about how to develop these key life skills.
In 2020, I founded Executive Function Specialists to ensure all students with ADHD and Autism have access to high-quality online executive function coaching services. We offer online EF coaching and courses to help students and families.
Realizing I could only reach so many people through coaching, in 2021 I started the Executive Function Coaching Academy which trains schools, educators, and individuals to learn the key strategies to improve executive function skills for students.
In 2023, I co-founded of UpSkill Specialists, to provide neurodivergent adults with high-quality executive function coaching services.
When not pursuing my passions through work, I love spending time with my family, getting exercise, and growing my brain through reading. You can connect with me on LinkedIn.
Want me to speak on executive function skills at your event? Learn more about my speaking topics here.