Empowering Your Child with ADHD: A Parent's Guide to Communication
Updated: Feb 24, 2023
You have spent years trying to understand your child and finally received a diagnosis from their doctor: Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder.
What a relief to have answers!
You communicate the diagnosis with their teachers and begin creating systems for them to be more successful.
Now what?
Should your child know about this too? Will it cause them distress or embarrassment?
This article will provide reasons for why discussing ADHD with your child is important and offer practical tools for meaningful and productive conversations.
Table of contents
Should I tell my child what their ADHD diagnosis means?
According to recent statistics, around 6 million children (or 9.8%) aged 3-17 have an ADHD diagnosis.
People with ADHD are at increased risk for depression and anxiety. It is important to support understanding as your child grows so that they do not feel negative about their neurological differences.
If children understand they are not alone in their challenges, they may be more willing participants in their treatment and may utilize more tools.
It's important to normalize the challenges and understand how the ADHD brain works.
ADHD coach and director of Behavioral Medicine Clinic of NW Michigan encourages parents to have a conversation with their kids sooner than later.
You want them to be involved, to understand, and to be on board...I have two children with ADHD, so I can speak from experience.
What age is appropriate to start talking about their diagnosis?
It's never too early to talk your child about what ADHD means.
Many doctors and professionals in the field of psychology share this belief.
Recognize your child's age and shape your words in a way that makes sense.
Children with ADHD need to feel supported and be part of the treatment plan from the beginning.
According to Dr. Terry Dickenson:
The goal is to help your child understand what ADHD means, what it doesn't mean, and how to be successful at school and in life. You'll talk about it many times as your child grows and develops. You need to help your child feel special, and like he is part of the plan.
It's important to share and answer questions early so that they gain an accurate picture of themselves.
Do's and Don'ts of explaining ADHD
We often have the assumption ADHD simply means a child has a lot of energy or trouble focusing. These do not provide the full picture of a person with ADHD.
To understand the full picture of ADHD, it helps to be familiar with the concept of the ADHD Iceberg. The ADHD Iceberg is an analogy for explaining all the challenges that a person is experiencing "below the surface".
To learn more about this concept, check out the article, Parenting Students with ADHD: What Is The ADHD Iceberg? (2022).
Dr. Hallowell, author of 20 books, including the Distraction series and Super-parenting for ADD, believes parents should teach a strength-based model.
While there is a potentially serious downside to ADHD, there also is a potentially spectacular upside to it as well.
Consider these recommendations as you prepare to discuss ADHD with your child.
DO | DON'T |
Make your child feel loved | Expect them to have full buy-in |
Pick a good time with no distractions | Make it bigger than it should be |
Focus on the positives | Use negative tone or words |
Keep open communication | Ignore concerns |
Answer questions | Let them use ADHD as a crutch |
What is the best way to describe attention deficit hyperactivity disorder?
"We found out you have an amazing brain."
Not what you expected?
When a new child is diagnosed, Hallowell says you can share your child's diagnosis in the following way:
Your brain is very powerful. Your brain is like a Ferrari, a race car. You have the power to win races and become a champion...though, you have bicycle brakes. Your brakes just aren’t strong enough to control the powerful brain you’ve got. But not to worry...if you work with me, we can strengthen your brakes.
As parents, you can take the same approach. You are helping them harness the gifts of their powerful brains.
Talk openly about how everyone's brain is different and has strengths and weaknesses. They have what's called a neurodivergent brain.
Educational Psychologist Dr. Liz Angoff provides simple statements that may be helpful:
"ADHD means your brain is built in a way that makes memory and creativity easy, but writing and waiting your turn more difficult."
"ADHD means your brain is noticing a lot of things at once, but it may be tricky to focus in on the one thing your teacher is asking."
"ADHD means your brain enjoys things that are new and exciting, but it may be harder to learn things you have to repeat a lot, like math facts."
"ADHD means your brain is great at organizing people, but struggles to organize things."
Some of the benefits or "superpowers" of ADHD are:
Curiosity
Creativity
Energy
Hyper-focus
Resilience
Conversational skills
They are now in the company of some brilliant minds...olympic athletes, famous actors and actresses, and talented musicians. Even Walt Disney & Albert Einstein were believed to have lived with the diagnosis.
These individuals did not allow ADHD to limit their success and many attribute ADHD as one of the reasons for their success!
What are strategies I can use to talk with my child about their ADHD diagnosis?
Go into the conversation with a positive attitude and also be prepared to address some of the challenges and empathize with them.
Discuss what your child has been feeling. They may be experiencing:
forgetfulness
emotional dysregulation
feelings of restlessness
impulsiveness
difficulty starting or finishing tasks (even if they want to do them)
exhaustion
Express understanding for their emotions and how they might feel different from other kids.
ADHD may feel like the examples below:
Describe school and home accommodations as a way to help your child be in control of their ADHD brain, instead of the other way around.
Tell your school-aged child that they can talk with their teacher to help them be successful. They can ask their teacher for help with:
Breaking assignments into smaller parts
Organizing work
Sitting in a calmer and less-distracting location
Taking movement breaks
Reviewing missed information
Help them understand that they can take care of themselves by:
Being active, sleeping and eating healthy
Talking with parents and teachers about what they need when they have trouble paying attention or staying on task
Using strategies for self regulation
Zones of Regulation is a great resource for teaching awareness and tools
See our article on Emotional Control
Identifying what their brain is doing and having compassion for themselves
Taking medication if given to help calm their brain down
Addressing the positives and challenges will demystify ADHD and empower your child.
Important Topics to cover
It takes time, patience, and effort to manage ADHD.
With open conversation about their diagnosis, children with ADHD can have a positive self-image and feel successful.
Spend time brainstorming about ADHD by discussing:
What ADHD is
Strategies for self-regulation
A daily routine/schedule
Motivators and interests to help when their brain is disengaged
Plans for keeping the brain energized and healthy (sleep, diet, exercise)
Explaining ADHD to your kids is not an easy task. But it's an important one. You can utilize outside resources such as your child's doctor and coaches for help.
Executive function specialists are specially trained to support students with ADHD and can also help to begin conversations individually and with family. To find out more see Executive coaching: The definitive guide.
Resources to use with your child
When you sit down to process together, these visuals and short videos about ADHD and self-regulation strategies are great for getting started:
Further Reading
About the author:
Kelsey Sinclair is an executive function specialist with EFS. She was a special educator for over 10 years in public school settings. She completed her masters degree in Education with an emphasis on educational therapy to support students with executive functioning deficits. She specializes in social/emotional skill development and provides interventions to those with learning disabilities such as dyslexia, dyspraxia and dyscalculia. Kelsey utilizes a strengths-based approach to coaching, supporting her students toward independence and a positive self-concept.