The Definitive Guide To Emotional Control (2025)
- Sean McCormick
- Feb 2, 2023
- 9 min read
Updated: Oct 23
Last updated: October, 2025
Not sure which executive function support is the best fit for your needs?
Take our free, 2-minute quiz to find resources that best support you:
Want to share a product or service with over 6,000 parents and educators interested in executive functioning?
If your child often explodes in anger, melts down during homework, or struggles to calm down after frustration, they may be experiencing challenges with emotional control.
This article explains what emotional regulation is, why it matters for long-term success, and gives you 5 practical strategies to help your child manage their emotions more effectively.
Table of Contents
Emotional control is one of the most important skills a child can develop, but also one of the hardest to teach.
Whether your child is slamming doors, snapping at siblings, or shutting down completely, these reactions are often signs that they haven’t yet learned how to manage big feelings.
The good news is that emotional regulation is a skill that can be taught and strengthened over time.
What Does Emotional Control Look Like?
Emotion control, or emotional regulation, is the ability to identify our emotional states and exert some control over big emotions that sometimes overwhelm us.
Examples may look like:
Focusing on reasons to be happy when you’re down (creating positive emotions)
Using an anxiety coping strategy such as deep breathing to stay calm
Verbally expressing feelings of frustration, anger, excitement and overwhelm
Two key skills that lead to being able to control your emotions are:
1) Recognizing when you are having an emotion
2) Naming or expressing your emotions
Acceptance of our emotions and being able to cope with negative feelings or unpleasant emotions are hallmarks of emotional regulation.
What is emotional dysregulation?
Emotional control is often referred to as emotional regulation or more broadly as self-regulation skills.
When a person lacks emotional control, it is often called emotional dysregulation.
A dysregulated person may exhibit impulsive behaviors or act from negative emotions rather than making rational decisions.
Disruptive patterns of emotional dysregulation are listed below:
Middle school:
Yelling in class when feeling frustrated with a peer
A student having emotional outbursts such as raising their voice when a parent asks them to do homework
High school:
Substance abuse when strong feelings occur, such as, feeling angry, depressed or stressed
Difficult emotions may give rise to self-harm behaviors
College:
Mental health issues can arise when controlling emotions continues to be an issue in young adulthood
Students may need to seek counseling such as dialectical behavior therapy to manage intense emotions
When we are in a highly emotional state, we may lash out at others.
This can cause have a negative impact on relationships at home and at school.
Children with low emotional regulation may have fewer social skills and difficulty maintaining friendships.
Problems getting along with peers and with making and keeping friends, affect more than half of children with ADHD.
Issues with emotional control that go unsolved can have impacts later in life. Adele Diamond's study on the importance of ADHD showed the following:
Good emotional regulation can be a predictor of academic success.
EFs predict both math and reading competence throughout the school years.
Source: Executive Functions
A person with challenges with their emotional control may experience:
Increased risk of school problems
Difficulties with peer rejection or bullying
Performance stress or test anxiety
Challenges with setting long term goals and resilience
Mood disruptions such as feeling intense anger
Mental health conditions such as anxiety and depression
Emotional control by age
Emotional control looks different depending on your age. Let’s explore what emotional regulation looks like by age:
Babies (0 - 24 months)
Starting in their first few months of life, babies are already learning to practice emotional control.
Babies learn to transfer their attention from overwhelming stimuli and focus their attention on something they find soothing such as a pacifier or a toy.
Toddlers/Preschool (2-5 years)
We all know what an emotionally dysregulated younger child’s behavior often looks like:
That’s right, a tantrum!
Tantrums are often reactions to uncomfortable emotions or needs that a child is unable to express.
Adults can assist children by helping them name their emotions and take deep breaths.
Try not to show too much negative emotion during tantrums.
Planning predictable schedules and distraction can be effective strategies for toddler and preschooler age children.
School-aged children (5-10 years)
Young children show emotional well-being by:
playing well with others at the playground
being able to cope with unexpected situations
showing empathy or regard for the feelings of others
Validate their experience and allow your school-aged child to have the full range of their emotional experience.
This will demonstrate their emotions are normal and okay.
Explicitly teach strategies such as “blowing out a candle” when taking a deep breath if they feel overwhelmed.
Preteens and Teenagers (10-18 years)
Although many teens and preteens have learned emotional regulation, they may act without thinking and having a strong emotional reactions.
Learning calming strategies is a crucial skill for many teens.
We can also support teens by:
Naming the emotions they are having. Prompt your teen to notice how a particular emotion feels in their body.
Supporting them in identifying causes of emotions. After they have calmed, help them problem-solve what they could do next time in a similar situation.
For every age…
Remember, every emotion is valid. That does not mean you have to validate every behavior.
If you need to leave the situation due to extreme behaviors, let the child know you will be nearby.
When they are calm, let them know their behavior was not okay.
Instead of engaging in conflict, offer reassurance and help with problem solving.
Why is emotional regulation important?
Emotional regulation allows people to find a place of calm after negative emotions such as anger or frustration.
Being able to control strong emotions helps us build interpersonal relationships and make good decisions in everyday life.
Emotional regulation helps us develop skills such as:
Getting along with others and socially acceptable behavior
Paying attention during tasks at school or work
Controlling impulses in healthy ways
Being flexible in our thinking
Regulating emotions has broader impacts for school and work success later in life.
Good emotional regulation is correlated with positive outcomes in adulthood and general life satisfaction.
People who regulate emotions well demonstrate increased skills such as:
Engaging in goal setting
Delaying gratification
Frustration tolerance
Problem solving
It is easier to address emotional control challenges earlier rather than later in life.
Helping a child develop emotional control will help them in adulthood.
But why do some people seem to be more prone to deficits in emotional regulation?
Even when using a variety of strategies, some people struggle more in this area.
What causes difficulty with emotional control?
You may be wondering...are challenges with emotional regulation due to your child’s disposition or their environment?
Some children seem to be born with calm dispositions and low reactivity, while others seem to be more prone to tantrums and intense feelings.
Don’t worry! There’s good news...
While we all may be born with our own unique emotional disposition, managing feelings can be learned.
Like learning to flex a muscle, learning to have a positive emotional response will happen naturally overtime the more you use it.
How are executive function and ADHD related?
Kids who have a hard time with self regulation may also have difficulties with executive functioning skills.
Executive functioning skills are the organizing executors in the brain that help us manage our activities, plans and behaviors.
The links between executive function and self regulation are far reaching.
Executive functioning involves working memory, attentional control and cognitive flexibility.
Additionally, executive function challenges affect inhibitory responses.
That means a person with lack of executive function may exhibit more impulsive behavior and fail to pause before they act.
Challenges with emotion regulation and executive function are also common with students with ADD/ADHD.
In children with ADHD, it can be harder to manage emotions or pause to use a strategy.
Children with ADHD may need reminders to slow down and label their own emotions. They also benefit from extra support building resiliency.
5 ways to teach children emotional control
Strategy 1: Model emotional regulation at home
Children learn how to manage emotions by watching the adults around them.
When you model calmness during stress, like taking a deep breath instead of yelling, you’re teaching your child that emotions can be handled with control and awareness.
For example: When you spill your coffee, say,
“I’m frustrated right now, so I’m going to take a deep breath before cleaning this up.”
This shows your child that even adults need to pause and reset before reacting.
Strategy 2: Help kids name their emotions
Giving emotions a name helps children understand and manage what they feel instead of acting out.
Encourage them to describe both positive and negative emotions so they can build a full emotional vocabulary.
For example, you can say:
“It looks like you’re feeling disappointed that your game ended early. Is that right?”
This helps them connect language to their internal experience and builds emotional awareness.
Strategy 3: Normalize all feelings
Teach your child that all emotions, including anger, sadness, excitement, or fear, are normal and acceptable.
This creates emotional safety and prevents shame around having big feelings.
For example,
“It’s okay to feel mad when things don’t go your way. Everyone feels that sometimes.”
This helps your child understand that feelings are temporary and can be expressed safely.
Strategy 4: Create a calm-down toolbox
Equip your child with simple tools and strategies for self-regulation when emotions run high.
Include options like:
deep breathing
drawing
listening to music
using a stress ball
You can say,
“Let’s take out your calm-down jar and shake it. Watch the glitter settle while we breathe together.”
This gives your child a concrete way to soothe themselves and regain focus.
Strategy 5: Praise emotional regulation efforts
Positive reinforcement strengthens your child’s ability to manage emotions over time.
Notice and name when they use coping strategies successfully.
For example,
“I saw you take deep breaths instead of yelling when you got upset. That was great self-control.”
This reinforces that emotional regulation is a skill that can be learned and practiced.
FAQs
How long does it take for a child to improve their emotional control?
Progress depends on consistency and age, but most children show improvement within a few weeks when strategies are practiced daily.
The key is to stay calm and reinforce small wins rather than expecting instant change.
What if my child refuses to use the calm-down strategies?
Start by modeling the strategies yourself and inviting them to join when they’re ready.
Over time, they’ll see these tools as helpful rather than forced, especially if you use them together.
How can I tell if my child’s emotional outbursts are more than typical frustration?
If meltdowns are frequent, intense, or interfere with daily routines and relationships, it may be time to consult a therapist or pediatrician.
They can help determine whether underlying issues like ADHD, anxiety, or trauma are contributing factors.
The Bottom Line
Helping your child build emotional control takes patience, practice, and consistent modeling, but the payoff is calmer days and stronger relationships.
Here's a recap of the 5 strategies to teach emotional control:
Model Emotional Regulation at Home
Help Kids Name Their Emotions
Normalize All Feelings
Create a Calm-Down Toolbox
Praise Emotional Regulation Efforts
Hope this helps 🤙🏻
This article is a part of the larger category of:
Related articles:
P.S. If you want to work on executive function skills with your students, consider joining hundreds of other educators and parents who have completed my Semester Success Blueprint Course. In less than 2 hours, this comprehensive course will teach you and your student the system I developed to help hundreds of students learn how to manage school effectively and raise their self-awareness and engagement with school.
About Me
Hey! I'm Sean 👋
I'm a former public school special education teacher who realized that executive function skills are more important than knowing when George Washington crossed the Potomac.
Since then, I've made it my mission to teach anyone who will listen about how to develop these key life skills.
In 2020, I founded Executive Function Specialists to ensure all students with ADHD and Autism have access to high-quality online executive function coaching services. We offer online EF coaching and courses to help students and families.
Realizing I could only reach so many people through coaching, in 2021 I started the Executive Function Coaching Academy which trains schools, educators, and individuals to learn the key strategies to improve executive function skills for students.
In 2023, I co-founded of UpSkill Specialists, to provide neurodivergent adults with high-quality executive function coaching services.
When not pursuing my passions through work, I love spending time with my family, getting exercise, and growing my brain through reading. You can connect with me on LinkedIn.
Want me to speak on executive function skills at your event? Learn more about my speaking topics here.